About conflict with a colleague

“Rejections will redirect you to more exciting roads. When you think your life is falling apart, it’s usually falling together in disguise. Your search will throw you on journeys you never would have dreamt of, in your mind and in the world.”

― Charlotte Eriksson, “Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself: growing up is a wonderful thing to do”

A short while ago, a work relationship I was in and fostering fell apart.

This always saddens me.

I thought I was staying in an ‘adult-to-adult’ mode.

I thought I was taking a pause and responding with calm and consideration. I was using my best ‘Brene Brown author of Dare to Lead’, “Be clear and Be kind”.

I was experiencing the disconnect and it was clear to me the other person was also.

Despite my deep commitment to conflict resolution and my extensive training in the process, I did not succeed in helping the relationship regain its luster. Though I work in the field of people and process, and am actively working my emotional intelligence, I am not immune to a human experience or missed opportunity.

I worked on it. I ponder it. I asked for help from a friend to insure that I was being constructive. And yet I missed a few opportunities. I could just accept that it takes two to tangle and two to untangle and write it off. But that was not me. I wanted to find the piece that was my responsibility and mine the gold of the lesson to be learned and applied to my life and work going forward.

In the middle of the escalation, I took a walk on my Lake Erie beach with my dogs. This is my go to place for reflection. At the end of the walk I had reframed the situation as a metaphor. I find using metaphors is a sense-making device and also is softer and less personalizing. I recognized that we had been dance partners, choosing a dance, learning the steps, practicing our evolving roles, talking, laughing, and stepping on each other’s toes. We got tangled. We tried to untangle. We regrouped. And then …. Something more happened and the dance changed. We were no longer dancing. We were moving towards the sidelines, and maybe choosing other dance partners. I am now left in the middle of the floor alone.

Yes. Feelings are hurt but we both can rise to a professional demeanor. We can move to another dance, not as partners but ‘the worker bee jig’. That worked for a minute or two. But doing the work when the relationship is out of sync eventually needs attending.

I gave it attention. But now knew that I could have intervened sooner if I had been more observant. As they can do for anyone, busyness and tight schedules sometimes threaten relationships and the time they need for process to work. My mother’s voice was ringing in my ears. “Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off, and Play on!” So I did. But I really wanted to find some awareness that I had missed and after a good night’s sleep I rose with the beginnings of a fresh perspective and the open heart to forge new relationships and nurture the ones I have with new lessons. I am grateful.

Here are my thoughts:

When you start to notice that you are no longer dancing partners or even sharing the same space on the dance floor, notice and observe:

• • • What is the climate?
    • What ‘gear’ are they in? (What are they doing and not doing that helps or hurts the relationship?)
    • What ‘gear’ are you in? (What are you doing and not doing that helps or hurts the relationship?)
    • Are you talking things through as they happen?
    • Are you in touch with your feelings and triggers?
    • Have you expressed your confidence in your and their ability to work this out?

Careful, it gets worse when the silence sets in, or the emails become your means for working/communicating as they are prone to misinterpretations.

Slow it down, pause, find a time to get face-to-face, ask for help, and both individuals need to find their common ground and desire to stay in the relationship.

If you have tried and tried, it is also ok to let go without anger. I am working to do that now as the bigger life lesson is: Bitterness hurts you — and never the other person.

I will dance on. Maybe a slow dance right now.

Have you had a similar experience? Do you have any lessons to share?